It’s been quite some time since my last post. whatever. i’m finding it difficult to be optimistic about many of the things i used to be. perhaps that’s what happens as we age? ahh. well, whatever happens, happens. that isn’t to say im relinquishing any form of control over anything- i’m simply accepting the things i can’t control (though i think there is a side of all of us that says “fuck you, yeah there is!” and wants to try). at the moment, most of my future feels like it’s up in the air. swirling around above my head, waiting for me to swat at one or two components of it. i don’t know. maybe that’s what everyone feels.

it’s always fun to try and imagine what would have happened if you had chosen differently. but at the same time, i’ve learned that it’s fairly pointless to dwell on such things, since nothing can be done to ‘make’ things be any certain way. again with the control thing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

it’s always a strange encounter when i meet a person who is not good at empathizing. i’ve sought to be as empathetic as i can be (which of course has yielded me personally rewarding things, but which also is often consumed by others), and have  frequently attempted to treat people as i’d like to be treated. the only problem is that i am a broken vending machine. the ‘good’ folks walk past, not taking anything, since that’s unnecessary/stealing. whereas the less morally-sound come by and backtrack if they encounter a particular item that pleases them (perhaps a certain demeanor, or “factor of receptivity” for conversation) they more or less (apparently) unconsciously pop up beside me, placing their ideas in cement boxes and saving them for later- constantly referring to them with their word choice and manner of attacking speech- while i treat mine like keys to locks- locks with change as time goes on, requiring, of course, different keys. but then, really, idea ‘storage’ and portrayal are not so important- what really matters is the social padding (tact) you implement when interacting. your ability to imagine how someone would feel if you barked at them ideas of such and such that you believe to be true, and which you portray as absolute law. it’s intrusive, so shut the fuck up. the mormons, hanging around red square at UW love to shake people’s hands and ask them about whatever. perhaps some might not mind a smiling dude in a suit/shirtsleeves fishing for converts (not for the gays, tho) … but i do. i mean, really. Do not shake my hand. i will call you an intruder. you may feel as uncomfortable as you make some people. Ahh, but then, it is within their rights to stand and shake hands and such. and so they will, therefore i cause my grief to depart, and quit givin’ a shit. all this means is that i WILL call you an intruder, but i will not slow down at all. if they offer me a book of mormon that i can take as i walk away, i will take it. i will even read at least the first page. you see, it really isn’t about them being mormon at all- i should have called them “THE MEN PROFFERING CANOPENERS” since it would be a similar issue, though i’d be super jazzed if there was any kind of interesting operation like that going on. plus, free canopeners. i just don’t want any assholes. Sigh, perhaps one day the assholes will dissappear. i will continue to ‘fight’ the ‘good’ ‘fight’ (apostrophe’d for your replaceability).

you hear a crazy rumble and crave some natural disaster that will stop everything somehow, just for a little while. bring everyone down a few pegs. that’d be good for us all, to stop riding our enormous fucking egos and realize that in the grand scheme of things were all the same and nothing matters too much, so let’s just chill and lift weights and enjoy each others company, and life in general, til we all inevitably die. that seems to be our maximum potential, in some minds. i guess an alternative would be such efficient space travel and food reproduction and human reproduction that a new earth could be inhabited, let alone discovered.

but, like i said… you crave some natural disaster. but, given your fairweather realism you only allow yourself to hope for a strong windy storm. or snow. yes, snow would be nice. something to make everyone realize they cant always depend on the shit we usually depend on. find out if you can walk 8 miles to the gym and then another 3 to your friends house just for the sake of a challenge. what an amazing reward it was, mentally, physically, emotionally, socially… the list goes on and on.

it’s all about redefinition. changing oneself, since one can never be fully satisfied with what is based on some criteria of comparison. it is seen with frequency that men often assume they ought to look better.. but the majority of women polled think it’s much less of a big deal than the men do. it’s all biology, folks. the manliest thing to be is attractive to women, so it happens that some crazy strange shit becomes really popular, just like all those crazy mating dances observed in the wild. craaaaazy.

hoo boy.i suppose that’s all for now. other than my trip to canada with my buddies blackistani and goose, who will remain nicknamed. :P it was super fun and chill and i think i made out with a 45 year old married woman named Zara. :O oh my. been thinking about the past a lot lately.. missing people and curious about others. wish people didn’t disconnect n lose touch. i sound like a juggalo right now. :O nothing wrong with that i suppose. anyways, furreal dough. im outro. byeee! :)

Good.. that title ought to have scared them off. You’re all alone in a diner at 2:56. A drunk girl or two texts you without regards to various physiological phenomena. Quite interesting, no? Well, such is life I suppose. You find yourself alone, however pleasantly so. You feel these fellows near you and know that they are your fellow man, but can feel no true bind with them. Though it doesn’t discontent you at all. You’ve accepted long ago that you were simply too different.

Simple human contact carries such excitement for me that I find itself asking superfluous questions simply to find jollies: “where is the hot sauce?” But of course I know where it is. I simply want to he shown where, and to give it the opportunity to become a launching point for conversation and whatnot. How lovely it is to share a smile with a friend. Ahhh, those knowledgeable lip-curling that can’t keep you for too short a time, since you be desired their presence forever. Ahh simply delicious the way people are occasionally so kind. I suppose such things cannot be discussed without bringing up their reciprocals- but thank god we needn’t deal with them. They do not concern those in the know- those in search of something real and true. Its all the way or total bust, crazy crash n burn later. My oh my. Worth every penny. Surrounded by drunks you find yourself in sociable company, however raucous.

I am excited for butter, I have decided. My oh my. What excitement. Such anall exhilirating life I lead! And how strangely long eggs seem to take to cook. I am so befuddled by so much that I must stop and ask whatnot is real. One wonders what one can do truly to end the problems of the world. But its pretty easy to uninspired yourself in an isolated walmart in the middle of the country. Sweet jesus. In such places stagnation is fluent enough to be called flow. Sweet sweet damn. The complexities of such crazy things as love and existence are enough to occupy a person forever, if they allow it. Or you can be the prophet of opportunity everyone loves so much, who never worries about a single Damn thing and finds himself drawn to those of similar mind states.

You watch the drunks eat their food, drooling and slurring into fresh juice beverages. But alas, battery grows low and food comes near- sweet sustenance, surround me!

my mind is in a drastically different place now than it was in months past. i cant believe its only been ~3 months or whatever that ive been single. wow. what a year 2011 was. had my heart stomped on and whatnot, but made tons of friends and branched out, becoming incredibly more independent than i’ve ever been. i am so proud of myself. i live on my own, and finally enjoy it. i spend so much time with friends, so much time working out, and so much time studying and reading that i find myself wonderfully exhausted at the end of the day, with no regrets. thats the best part for sure- the lack of regrets. i do everything to the best of my abilities if i really care about it or see value in it, and i see value in a lot nowadays. i guess i’m just glad to be where i am now.. glad to be through with the pain of past heartbreaks, glad to be doing what i want to do, glad to be ALIVE. my ferocity for that intensifies daily. it can be the weather, someone’s actions, or whatever that makes me suddenly so happy to be alive. chide at my kitsch-ness if you will, but it’s true. i feel awake. every day i feel more and more awake- like i learn things every day that will help me for the rest of my life. it will be crazy weird to be out of college. though, i do have a long time left. i’m grateful for that, since i’ll only be this age once. that’s another thing- none of us will ever be the age we are now again once it’s gone. that inspires me a lot to be who i want to be sooner, so i can spend more time on this earth being him. being me. so that’s all i’m doing: being the person i want to be. and that’s what i want to do for the rest of my life! it’s funny, a month or two ago you’d have found me saying something like that with regards to finding a relationship and getting married and all. i know i will find those things, and i know that there will be a time in my life where i’m entirely devoted to that. but i’m not going to hurry. i no longer feel rushed to find someone, or to lock myself into something i know will come soon enough. the central theme to this all is that i like where i am, and i’m letting it be. :)

my two mantras these days are “Knowledge and understanding can only increase the odds for success” - Gordon LaVelle and “You always miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” - Wayne Gretsky. the second one has been resonating with me heavily lately. it’s so true! life is full of choices and opportunities, and if you let them all pass you by and don’t put yourself out there, you’ll find it difficult and boring to be alive. the spice of life is other people, in my opinion. that’s what makes the profession i’ve chosen so appealling- the patient-therapist interaction that will put me ahead of other applicants and my passion for the human body and healing injuries. but really, it’s all about the people. i wish i could do the job i did at bumbershoot forever.. that would be fun. walking around in the sun, smiling at people and giving them granola. the managers got to go on a tour around the country to various events where their sole task was to give away many tons of granola. and damn did we ever slang that shit around. i gave full huge bags of it to people. they got so excited and felt so special. :P it was so much fun. i would love to work that kind of job, too. maybe i could do a “physical therapy tour” or some crap. set up a booth at marathons and races and events to help people out.. that would be pretty cool. there’s probably something to that. hmm. *stores in memory bank* meh, i’m sure i’ll find the thing thats best for me out there. my brain is pretty good at getting what it wants, it seems. if im in a crappy situation i’m pretty good at making it better by relieving the stress in some way. haha, maybe most people do that? either way, i’m glad i can, since i hate stressing about things. speaking of which, i ought to do my homework tonight. hmm. chances are that i won’t.. we shall see. spanish and C Lit won’t take long, and there isn’t exactly any chem due per se, but i will do some ALEKS and get it out of the way. i suppose i should prepare my lab manual too. O_O gotta remember to bring my calculator. haha. mehhh.

mwahaha. i think i may become a phlebotomist, too. that’s good work there, money to be made! or i could apply at a few PT places over the summer. i still dont know if i want to take classes or what.. we shall see i suppose. :-|

anyways, that’s all for now. more later when i feel the need to write more. adieu!

I get this image in my head of some beautiful place. well, the place isn’t so much what makes it beautiful- it’s the people i’m with in that place. the person i’m with smiling and making it the one place i want to be in the entire world.  the one person i want to be with forever. that isn’t juvenile, either. it’s a legitimate thing to want, and i want it. i want a partner in crime. i want her with me always, and i want her to want to be with me always. i’m sure she exists, but fuck it’s hard to wait, and hard to keep looking. it’s hard to do anything when the economic analysis in your head says “chances are she’s not it.” but then i remember one of my mantras: “you always miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”She is the kind of person i could live in the midwest and be 100% happy. i mean, we all know the midwest is a desolate wasteland, so she’s obviously amazing. the kind of girl i would be so happy to come home to no matter what kind of BS i did- whether i was a fisherman farmer, plumber… whatever. doesn’t matter. i want that feeling that makes it all worth it. i yearn for it. i mean, without it i don’t care if i’m cold. i don’t care if i work 16 hours only to go home to go to bed. it doesn’t matter, since as soon as i’m done i know i’ll no longer regret it, since there’s nothing waiting for me at home to warm me up. i have a room, i have a bed, i have a chair. sans romance. because what good does it do me to create a warm sock of saccharine stuff when there’s no love to support it? as soon as i see someone else in a happy relationship i’d just want to not see it all, and i’d get rid of it. i’m not void of happy warm thoughts, i just can’t stand seeing what i want so badly and not being able to have it. and certainly i romanticize that shit, too.. do i think that all the relationships look as good as they appear on the surface? hell no. but i want to have something to fight for other than my inert state of whatever that i’m in these days. while i’m grounded in some senses, all that shit moves along with me, and i’m still alone in this big vacuum of a hallway where i occasionally bump into, but never connect with, others in similar states of inertial motion. regardless of season or time of year i would feel this way. it’s not even self pity. it’s being inured (accustomed to something unpleasant) to being alone, and knowing what i could have. i will wake up restless every day until i find her and have her. if you cant stand the heat get out tha kitchen.

fuck i’m uplifting. whatev.

When you’re all alone at the end of the day
there isn’t too much else to say
than “i’m thankful for having been able to spend
so much of my time with my dearest friend
and even though we have to part,
they’re with me still-
inside my heart.”



hella just wrote that.

Siempre he tenido amigos. pues, no debo decir ‘amigos.’ es mejor decir que he tenido muchas personas que conozco muy bien— o que conocia muy bien, una vez. ahora casi cada persona afuera de me familia (familia=Padres, parientes, Novia, y la novia de me hermano) ha cambiado tanto. y, como no, no puedo hacer nada hacerles volver adonde comenzaron. no puedo forzar a nadie hacer cualquier cosita si no quieren hacerlo ya. estando bien con cada cosita que cambia le puede ayudar a cada persona. usualmente, yo soy asi. pero ahora no. ahorita yo quiero olvidar la gente que me ha lastimado, y quiero dejarla en mi pasado, donde deben ser para siempre. bah, Jodala.

Ahuevo, verano. por FIN ya es el verano. pienso en lo que hare, y me hace sonreir porque no hay mucho. relajare, y pasare mi tiempo con Jillian, y cualquier amigos puedo conocer con. y asi es la vida del verano. especialmente cuando no tienes que trabajar. de veras yo trabajaria si pudiera, pero mi papa no tiene trabajo para mi en su compania. meh, jodala. *lebowski*

bah. ahora escribo algo macabro, porque quiero.

la pala atraveso la madera del ataud, revelando los contenidos. el olor de la carroña flotò por el aire, como si hubiera escapado un carcel. el figuro que desenterraba el cuerpo parò un momento para evitar vomitando. no se habia acostumbrado al olor, aunque habia pasado cuatro años oliendolo. regresando a su trabajo, el figuro gruñe y aumenta su rato. por fin, pudo encajar su piqueta debajo del ataud. empujando con toda su fuerza, el figuro liberò la caja de muerte fuera de la tierra. la cima del ataud solo tenia tres coloraciònes en su cara: un equis, un circulo, y una zeta. ignorando estas facetas, el figuro comenzò romper la madera con su piqueta, revelando el cuerpo mutilado de una mujer. respirando por su boca, el figuro comenzo buscando algo proximo al cuerpo. habiendo encontrado que buscaba, el figuro tirò los residuos al hueco que habia cavado. limpiando el tesoro, el figuro lo mirò, buscando las coloraciònes que fue dicho buscar. al ver del hombre que pasaba con sigilo al tras del figuro, el figuro comenzò corriendo, dejando su piqueta y pala detras. el hombre que lo encontrò seguiò, y entrapò debajo de un puente. habia forcejeos, pero eventualmente el figuro se diò cuento de que no pudo ganar. el hombre brillò su flash en la cara del figuro, viendo una gran cicatriz sobre la izquierda de su cara que pareciò una quemadura. entonces, dos cañonazos sonaron. muertos, el tirador vino y tomò el tesoro, dejando los cuerpos pudrirse hasta que alguien los encontrò o los pajaros los comieron.

pienso que voy a hacer una pelicula en español. cuando hablo ingles nunca siento original. ojala saber si otras personas sienten lo mismo? pues, no importa. usare mi español, y hare videos de cualquier sujeto. ahuevoooo.

I suppose tumblr is the place for overdramatizing one’s life. i’m not going to do that, i’m simply noting my affirmation of such a thing. i feel bad for folks who dont have what they want, or what they deserve, but at the same time i have to ask myself “how much could i really help them? if the answer to that is ‘not much’ then why should i stress about it?” and that’s kinda what i’m doing. i mean, there aren’t many of these situations popping up in front of me, but i do find myself thanking my lucky stars that my life is so wonderful lately. :) by lucky stars i suppose i mean good luck/good decisions. yeah, i feel bad for those folks though. :( i’m just not trying to shorten my life over something i can do nothing about. just like the weather. i could get depressed every time it rains. in this state, that’s a death sentence. haha. but i choose to let things i control be the sparks for my mood. like when im biking home and it’s raining, i accept that i’ll be soaked to the bone by the time i get home anyways, so i might as well ride fast for the hell of it. thankfully it isnt raining anymore. now that i’ve typed that, it’s going to rain. :-| sorry guys, my bad.

my tumblr is very without pictures. idc though, there are few people that read my posts. this does not concern me. it’s just as superfluous as every other weird thing we all do. like waking up early, and mowing the lawn. we’re all polishing the brass on the titanic, so we might as well play as hard as we can after we finish our arbiting tasks. actually, they aren’t arbiting at all. they’re a means to an end, as is everything in life. jobs/school are ways to get money so we can do fun shit that makes life meaningful. i like the sound of that. life is about people, for me. material posessions are cool, and i love them, but people complete me. one in particular. <3 :) but i’ll enjoy my job as a physical therapist because of the good salary, content of the work, interactions with patients, and amicable hours. i want to have an extensive social calendar outside of work. well, i say that now. who knows how i’ll feel in 5 years? 5 years ago i was finishing freshman year of HS, i think. there has been an enormous learning curve since then. i wonder if it will continue at the same increasing rate? meh, i’m not too consumed by the future, and am even less so with the past. i find that i enjoy life more if i take it day by day, trying to milk every bit of sweet awesomeness out of life. it’s been working pretty well! and i stress less. i feel sorry for my classmates who stress their asses off about their careers- mostly the pre-med folks. i hope they actually enjoy practicing medicine, if they all end up getting there. we only live once as far as i know, and i’m trying to seize the day with all my fuerza.

im so down to live in a house. man. apartments are quite passe. jk, i like apartments well enough. i just hate the upstairs neighbors who have noisy sex one night and screaming, wall-thumping battles the next, which often end in window slamming (for some reason). mehhh, maybe the condo will be better insulated from the qualms of other folks. we shall see. :-| either way, IDGAF. i’ll live through whatever, and deal with whatever, and blah blah blah. though i may sound apathetic, it’s really just the acceptance speech of someone who understands that some things suck, but must be done. SPEAKING OF WHICH— i will have a dish washer in the condo. be jealous. :) and a washer and dryer.. but i’ll definitely just go home to get all that done. meh. blargh. so glad there’s a long summer separating spring and winter quarters. i’m going to be a busy fellow next year. rowing will be intense, but fun. “i’ve been trying to set up a statement i can end with “—he mumbled querulously into his pillow” but i can’t seem to do it,” He mumbled querulously into his pillow. INCEPTION.

i’ve been expanding my vocabulary, and have realized that i am super good at hang man. mostly because max and meowhammad (BFF’s) always play it during anatomy. i always guess their words before they do. hella mad.

oh man, i dont care about much right now. such a scrunchy lipped snooty raised eyebrow face mood. accompanied by a pair of middle fingers for the things i’d rather not deal with or think about right now. it’s liberating thinking about how slowly time actually passes, and how some things finish on their own. liberating in the sense that you don’t have to worry about it any more when it’s gone. i would hate doing a job where i have deadlines and crap. journalism and whatnot. no thanks. “oh, but i can look uber indie with my thick rimmed glasses, greasy black curly hair, slightly stubbly face, and fixed gear bike with matching messenger bag!” this is true, but still. no thank you. oh, and fixed gear bikes make me shake my head. especially when the people riding them are the biggest twat-looking folks in the world. *wears oblong strangely large glasses that look like dwight schrute’s just to ‘fit in’ with the croud that is supposed to be non-conformist* meh, that’s how all groups are. everywhere. there’s always some dress code, or body type, or way of thinking or speaking that you must have to fit in in certain groups. SLC punk does a good job of illustrating just such a thing. Jason Segel’s character is a straight laced looking dude, who does not at all resemble a punk. however, he beats the living piss out of people for accidental things. he is, thus, a punk. double standards are another thign that just make me tilt my head with confusion and anger. I WILL PREACH ABOUT THINGS AND THEN DO THE EXACT OPPOSITE. or is that just hypocrisy? perhaps i need to google double standards. done. either way, double standards and hypocrisy piss me off. and by piss me off i mean they cause me to ignore them completely. as a student at an institution such as UW, ive had numerous oppurtunities to march about a bunch of bullshit to express my angst and loathing for something myself and a few others have deemed ‘broken.’ for instance, Sodexo and Animal rights activism. Sodexo is a food services company that apparently under pays its workers and crushes attempts to unionize amongst its employees. there was a march on campus about it, and i was like ‘wut iz sodexo’ and one of the marchers couldnt even really tell me why it was bad. he tried to bandwagon me and my friends by saying “you should march with us! it’s a good cause!” but boy have i ever learned my lessons with those fools. :-| meh. animal rights activists are even more ridiculous. i saw some PETA affiliated protestors go running into the health sciences building with large signs saying UW supports animal cruelty because of our research facilities. i guess they WANT all those vaccines to have never existed. :-| i mean, there are tons of awesome things that have come from animal testing, and tons of lives saved because of them. MAI LIFE IS WERTH THA SAYM AS THAT MOUS. then shut the fuck up and go eat some garbage bro. if that mouse had the brain power, it would use less intelligent creatures as guinea pigs (punny) to promote its species too. any logical animal would. if there were a better, more accurate way of testing vaccines and products to keep humans safe, i guarantee you we’d be implementing them. i wrote a research paper on this topic. 14 pages. i love animals, and i am so incredibly thankful that they have helped the human species be more succesful.

mehhhhhhhhh.

Listening to some Skrillex. i watched the soloist earlier. it was really cool how he got recognized because of the dude. now he’s like.. a national hero. meh, “Passe, lacks content.” is a fun quote form that movie. Robert DJ is pretty good. he’s always so damn entertaining. have you seen sherlock holmes? that’s another awesome one. haha. oh me and my skirting. this movie reminded me how much i love art and all that. i am not in the mood to be very deep. i rowed a 6:37 2k today. have i posted about rowing yet? hmm. i wonder. *is too lazy to check* perhaps. i’m super proud of myself for putting in so much hard work on the erg. i want to get out on the water soon. that would be really nice. but then i would be obliged to row for longer than a 2k. certainly so. i’m excited for the tryouts. they’re suppsoed to be this hellish week of ass-kicking physical activity. i’m excited for that. but then, i was excited about almost passing out after today’s 2k. so what have you. the reason for that was because if i had passed out i wouldn’t have had to focus on feeling the pain of immediately post-2k. actually it’s just a very tiring race to begin with. boy oh boy. i love it. it feels indescribably awesome being done with a 2k on the erg. like “okay, now i dont have to do anything else for the rest of the day.” i foolishly started to try to do some handstands with my buddy max, and nearly got a shoulder cramp. haha. it took long enough for my calf cramps to stop showing up right after my first few 2k’s. haha. i’m pumped to actually get on the team, which i’m fairly certain i will, with my current times. oooh. certain things about life are so whimsical. these certain things are romanticism and.. some other imaginary thing i may or may not remember to talk about later. romanticism is funny because it keeps us from feeling alone or isolated. we listen to music that makes us feel like we’re a part of something bigger than ourselves (which we totally could be) and such. it’s whimsical because we’ll never know if the cosmic “things” we think we’re a part of through this music and/or other activities really exist. sure, there are other people listening to this same song right now, but does that mean i’m not alone? i mean, i guess that depends on how you define ‘alone.’ without other people physically around you is how some might define it, while others might see being able to text someone as a way to not be alone. why are we so afraid of being alone? meh, i dont like being alone because it sucks. it sucks because i’m almost entirely unentertained, and there’s no one TO entertain. i love entertaining, that’s for sure. meh, WGAF.

insect behavior got cancelled today. cool beans. that phrase has taken on a new meaning, since cool beans are what i eat when i dont have time to microwave them, which has only happened once. that time was today. GG.

so, i have a spirometer. to those that don’t know, it’s a tool to measure lung volume that you jam down your throat and expand with a little pump in your lungs. JK, it’s definitely not that. you believed me, though. hahaha. it’s actually a canister attached to this tube that lets you inhale to a maximum value, and tells you exactly how much you’ve inhaled. it’s pretty cool. but unfortunately, i’ve already maxed the thing out. it holds up to 5000 mL, and i’m already there. so i have to let it go down to the bottom of the little pill shaped thing again and then start breathing again. cool story, right?

ho boy.. i’m sleepy.